01 August 2013

How Did I f-up So Horribly?

Today marks my 49th year in this dunya. Today is also the 23/24th day of Ramadan. It is the last 10 days of the blessed month.

Today- if my world was perfect- I would have taken the day off work; I would have started the day with Duas; I would have then gone to Starbucks (as I'm not fasting right now) where I would have sat with my iPad and read my Qur'an; I would have then gone to a spa for a very much needed massage and mani/pedi; I would then come home and start baking my favorite cake (chocolate with buttercream frosting); I would have then prepared food and insisted my family all sit and eat together (at Iftar time); I would have then spent the rest of the evening reading Qur'an, making Dua and turning in early. 

Instead, it's now after 9 pm and I'm sitting in an In N Out Burger parking lot, eating in silence and crying. Why? because I f*^+•ed up- as a Muslim, as a Parent and I'm sure at many other "roles" I've played in my life. 

I have loved people too much (my ex spouses, my children) and I've allowed myself to be victimized spiritually, financially, mentally. 

I have given in to the feelings of my heart one too many times and  instead of nurturing it back to health, I have ignored it, made a joke; laughed and moved on. 

I have enabled the two beautiful human beings whom I brought into this world so badly that I wonder if I died tonight would they be lost? 

Tomorrow is another day. God willing I make it. Maybe tomorrow I will try to change things.

17 July 2013

Who Stole My Ramadan?

Assalamu Alaikum wa Rahmatullah

It's that time of the lunar year again. It's the month of Ramadan. 

The month of fasting, extra prayers, more time spent in the Masjid & time with family & friends. 

As this month nears, I get so excited. I read so many Ramadan Preparation articles, I listen to Fiqh of Fasting lectures, I plan decorations for the home & I do the big Spring cleaning. 

The first few days are filled with Salat on time, regular readings of the Quran, mentally preparing myself for work & getting home in time for Iftar. The fasting adults in the house are kind to each other & help each other out.  Taraweeh prayers are attended. 

Then, within 1 week - Bam!  
Reality in Teresa's life sets in. 

At the doctor appointment, I am reminded that I'm exempt from Fasting because of a medical condition. That possibly, because I was attempting to fast is what brought me to the office in the first place. 

The fasting men start bickering with each other & then it gets turned on me. I'm once again reminded of what an inadequate homemaker, mom & wife I am. 

Instead of happily coming home from a long day in the office & gladly staying up until Midnite to clean the kitchen & dining room, I begin to regret coming home at all.

 One whole week of Taraweeh prayers has already gone by & 2 Qiyams & countless Iftars.  But I've attended not one. And I begin to sink into the abyss of darkness questioning why I even bother. 

The thought that I should have already read through the Quran once & would have started a second time by now diminishes as I open my bookmarked page & realize that I'm only on Juz 3

Who stole my Ramadan? 

Was it me?  Was it my family? I'm not sure I will ever be able to answer this question. And yet again I will plan to save up time off & money to go away next year during Ramadan so I can have my Ramadan back. 

But, only Allah knows if I will even get another Ramadan!

13 April 2013

It's time for me to Confess

I am actually an Alien named Mork from the planet XCFBJTJMBF!

This is what's going on right now..

Many of you know (because I'm not shy) that I found out approximately 4 - 5 years ago that I have Adult ADD and that I was, more than likely (love the way Psychs say that the other Psych fucked up), mis-diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder (MDD) and have been treated on the incorrect medication since 1995. Yes folks, for a little over 10 years!

But, the mis-diagnosis and even the new diagnosis has never been the "big" problem. It was the treatment that was and has been the problem.

Before I go into the exciting facts about SNRIs and our brains, let me tell you what has happened to "Me" while de-toxing from the #1 Prescribed Medication.

Without going into too many Medical details right now (which is actually MY favorite part) - the half-life (how long it takes for the drug to exit my system) for this drug is around 12 hours.

Now, I have had no side effects in a 24 hour cycle;
Hypothetical Day:
800 am Take pill
800 pm Pill has exited the building
800 am Wake Up and Repeat

So, it's when there is no repeat (either forget, only have 30 pills in a 31 day month, switched insurances and couldn't pay $150 for 30 day supply) You get my drift, this is when the fun begins.

First, the "brain zaps"
Second, the "shakes"
Third, the "crying" for no reason at all
Last, (mind you this was only recently added to the 1% of side effects) the seizures.

Yes folks, in the middle of a deep sleep, you sit up, take a deep breath and chomp down on whatever is in your way (tongue, cheek, lip)

And this is missing it for a little over 24 hours!

There are pages upon pages of forums, blogs, etc on this drug and it's horrible de-toxing. No attorney will take the big, bad Pharma Company on so all of us poor slops get to suffer (and the people around us too)

So, I'll be writing about this. Insha Allah and depending on how I feel at that second.

I will also share the medical part with you-just so you understand- in case you are living with someone or going through it yourself.

Oh, so I'm calling this medication, hmmmm, for now - Big Bad E

Good Nite

Same Day, Different Life

Sometimes I am curious, did Allah Subhana wa ta 'ala really choose "Me" for Islam or did " I" choose Islam for some reason tucked inside my sub-conscious mind?

I was told that ALL of my previous sins will be forgiven and my plate wiped clean.

So then why do I feel like I'm being punished?

My previous life may not have been up to any religions standards; but, I was kind of happy.

I loved drinking alcohol and smoking.
I loved having parties and clubbing.
I "was" not only the life of the gathering, I was the party!!

I was in debt, yes, but I had an awesome home, wardrobe and a housekeeper.

So why?

I gave up alcohol for Allah
I gave debt to feel like I'm in more debt for Allah
I recently gave up smoking for Allah

So why am I punished?
- I have never been so fat in my life
- I have never been such a social outcast in my life
- I have never lived in a place that looks like a Hoarder resides in it
- Why did I never notice how much my kids resent me and just don't give a shit
- I have never had un-matched hand me down furniture
- I have never been so depressed about my life

Perhaps converting was my Rehab. But now that I'm better, what do I do?

I can't live my life like this much longer; I will be forced into debt just to get the house cleaned up.

Thank God tomorrows another day!

07 April 2013

"Like" is a Conjunction, not a Button

You know, like, I was pretty much raised in the 70's and, like, this was the way we talked!

But, anyway - Like - What's up?

As you can tell I have been away for about:
  • 2 months, 3 weeks and 3 days - but who's counting

I have been butt-free, smoke-free for:
  • 3 months, 2 weeks - yay me!
I'm not going to lie, it has not been an easy task.  The first thing that pops into my head when I am Stressed - Depressed - Hormonal - Ecstatically Happy is a cigarette.  And, it takes total willpower to Not go and bum one off of a smoker on the street or drive to the local 7-11 and buy a pack of smokes.  And, I will not lie, I have driven to 7-11 or the petrol station and Sat in my car.  But, in the end, I kept it real y'all!!

Okay, so I am going to share some wonderfully creative slang words from my era.. and yes, you will notice some of them are still used today..

  • Psyche
  • To the max
  • Bogus
  • Don't be such a spaz
  • Far out
  • In your face
  • Keep on truckin
  • Gag me with a spoon
  • Bitchen
  • Bummer dude
  • Cool beans
  • Copasetic
  • Doobie (if you know what that is, lol)
  • Loadie
  • Fag hag
  • Faked you out
  • For sure (but in the Valley we said fer sure)
  • Geek
  • Get real
  • Gnarly (lol my Bro still uses that word - what a geek)
  • Gody or Grody to the Max
  • Jonesin
  • Later days or Later skater (if you skated)
  • Mellow out
  • Narc (that's what I was when my Bro would have a party)
  • Primo
  • The rabbit died (okay, this was something that the fast gals used)
  • Rad
  • Stoked
  • Streakin (was actually a trend in my era)
  • Tubular
  • Totally
So, this just might explain my generations lack of grammer skills or it was the fact that we were more than likely a bit stoked from sucking on a primo doobie in the parking lot before English class. (we can ask my Bro about that - joking?)

Sorry this is short and sweet, but I am "supposed" to be resting today.  Ha!

One of my New Favorite things:
by PeaceMakers, for PeaceLovers: we are a social business which creates products from landmines and unexploded ordnance (UXOs) to support sustainability in post-conflict countries.

13 January 2013

Blinded by arrogance Or The truth?

This is a true story but please do not assume who this is about. I just wanted to share it.

It was supposed to be one of the happiest days this week. My spouse had gone home to visit family and was coming home from his trip and bringing his Brother for a visit.

We worked so hard the past few weeks to spring clean the house and make it comfortable for our Guest. My son and I worked all day yesterday to fine tune everything and the finishing touches on the guest room were completed today.

Then around 2:00 - 2:30 my older daughter came home. I was happy to see her and wanted to hear about her work day yesterday. But, I noticed she was very aloof and distant. So I just tried to shut up and go about my business.

However, when she started making negative comments about everything, I did what I do in order to avoid confrontation; I picked up my work and moved to the other room.

20 minutes later, she walked into the room she shares with her brother and that's when I started to hear yelling.

Her and her brother were arguing about a table we moved into the room yesterday. A table, that she said she wanted in the room, yet her brother protested but moved it in there anyway.

For some reason, this argument escalated into the hallway and beyond. I got involved to explain that it was "I" who asked him to move it in there, as I was of the impression she wanted it in there. And could she just wait a few weeks to move it out when we don't have a guest coming in a few hours.

This wasn't the right answer. I could tell something was wrong, but she would not divulge any information and wanted a "kicking post", which soon became me.

All at once, a ton of accusations and insults came hurling my way: - I was not a religious woman and did not pray. It was all for show; - I was a fucking cunt; - I married a drug addict, had a kid I couldn't take care of, so pawned her off on her Grandparents; - I didn't give a shit about her because the room she lived in was worse than a heroine addicts place; - she "learned" how to freak out and not hold your emotions back from me at a young as even the police were called one time when I was too emotional; - I was just a fraud and a liar

My heart broke into a million pieces. And while I have had these insults hurled at me in the past (albeit while there were some personal issues going on in her life) it hurt and it hurt like hell.

Between sobs, I said "I hope you die." It was like a defensive statement you hurl at your boyfriend when your a teenager. But, this is my 20 something child, my flesh and blood. And I can't take it back.

But in hindsight, us her assessment if me correct?
Am I unable to to filter my emotions?
Did she learn this from me or is it an inherited trait in some twisted DNA strand that was carried down from Mother to Child?
When did she start to hate me so much or is it that she is not satisfied with her own life, so I'm easy to blame?

I was lying on the bed sobbing; she walked out slamming the door and leaving and my son comes and gives me a hug and says, "Mom don't be hard on yourself, she is just so blinded by her arrogance".

*This story has been changed to protect the writer and her families privacy as requested.

05 January 2013

"Since you've been Gone, I can...

.. breathe for the first time" because after 27 years, I broke up with Smoking!

Today is Day 13 of clean air for me & it has been great.  

I am going to be honest, the first week was horrible.  I tried to run away from my self and was not successful. I was an evil succubus sans the seducing  as I pretty much hated everyone..  my beloved Headspace did not even help me out.

So here is the beginning of my new life Manifesto:

When the crave comes on.. chew gum - not food

Yoga @ the studio a minimum of once a week

Take 10 a day

And that is what you have missed on "As Teresa's World Turns" for the better - Insha Allah!!

Stay Tuned as I work on getting my brain and wits back.  I have been a bit out of it lately!

One of my new Favorite Apps

So, stay tuned..  You're traveling through another dimension -- a dimension not only of sight and sound but of mind. A journey into a wondrous land whose boundaries are that of imagination. That's a signpost up ahead: your next stop: the Chronicles of Teresa!